Mama

The other day my Mama read one of my blog posts and said she loved it. She loved it so much that she told me she was going to print it out and put it in her album...

There was a time when I would have thought this to be silly. It's such a "Mom" thing to do. I would have told her it was silly to keep such a thing in a picture album... And she would've explained that one day I would understand... One day when I become a Mother...

And I am now... And I do now... I understand all the little things she would keep and do that I would right off as silly.

It's all things us Mommys try desperately to do in order to stop the time our children take growing up... It happens so fast. It's wanting to remember all the times our babies made us proud... By putting it in our scrapbooks. It's wanting to take a picture every time we do anything or go anywhere... Because those are things/events we will want to look back on and remember.

We all so much want to remember every single detail... Every smile, giggle, expression, laugh, noise... Every vacation, holiday, graduation, birthday.. Every first step, first day, first word, first times... Every day, every hour, every moment spent spending time together.

Just to breathe it all in and remember it all... That is all us Mamas want.

And I used to not understand...

How much I could love a person.

Until I became a Mother.

Happy Mothers Day to all you Mothers... Especially one silly one... Who will hopefully print this out for her picture album.

Drop Kick

We were at the park the other day and something happened that just broke a piece of my heart. It was small... But made me realize something so big.

The Chitlin was playing with some older girls (6 years old). She was laughing and smiling... Tagging along... but after awhile they didn't want to play with her anymore and got up to leave.

The Chitlin yelled to stop and told them not to go. She tried to reach for one of their hands (as she does all the time when she wants to show us something or to come and play) and the little girl moved her arm away and screamed at her. She screamed at my little 2 1/2 year old and said, "Get away from me and just leave me alone!" It was so loud and angry that the Chitlin started crying... And my heart just sank... someone had just hurt her feelings for the first time and she didn't understand why she got yelled at for wanting to play.

I explained to her that the girls didn't have to play anymore if they don't want to and not to touch other kids... But I wish someone else was there to tell their little girl not to yell at toddlers.

I thought about this moment all day and couldn't sleep all night. I realized that the older the Chitlin got the less I will be able to protect her from EVERYTHING. She will get her feelings hurt, she will get her heart broken... She will be disappointed and let down. She will leave the protected bubble of our home. We will not be all that she knows...

A little piece of my heart broke that day... and for the first time in my life... Mama Bird felt the urge to drop kick a kid.

I wish I could just hold you every single day.... As if this would keep all the bad things away

 

Little girl...

every day you grow...

so many things..

you still need to know...

Spoon

The Mr. vs. My Online Shopping Habit... Again

Walking in the door after work to find a package...

Me : (picking it up) What's this? (I often forget when I order things online)

The Chitlin rushes over... She believes every package in the mail is for her (a result of having 2 Grandmas living far away that spoil her... and of me buying a majority of her clothes online)

The Chitlin: We open it?

Me: Yup! (tearing open the box and unwrapping all the tissue paper)

The Chitlin: It's a spoon! (a spoon rest to be exact)

The Mr.: (Sarcastically) Oh cool!  Something we totally need! (rolls eyes and walks away)

Me: Actually we DO need it.. because we have nothing to rest utensils on when we cook.

Silence...

I turn and look at the Chitlin still sitting beside me

The Chitlin: I LOVE SPOONS!!!

 

Well... as long as someone else in this house likes it... LOL

Being a Parent

I usually keep my posts light and short... But lately I've been feeling the need to vent on this thing called "Being a Parent".

I have a special person to call me his Wife, one immensely loved Little that calls me Mama, and other people that call me their friend, co-worker, etc. It's being called "Mama" that has proved to be the hardest name to live up to...

My challenges always boil down to change within myself.

I had the Chitlin right after I turned 30... and now she is about to turn 3. When she was first born...amongst the hard nights of no sleep, not knowing what to do, feeling worried that this thing called "motherly instinct" would never come, wondering if my body would ever feel the same - all this muffled by my pure joy of love at first sight... Amongst all this, my hardest adjustment was this feeling of loss of freedom... Before this I never even knew the feeling of not being able to do whatever I wanted. It was the loss of selfishness... Because for once in my life it wasn't all about what I wanted anymore... And in a way it was saying goodbye to the person I was and saying hello to the Mama I was about to shape up to be... And failure became my greatest fear because I realized what my biggest challenge in life would be.

Being the person/example I want her to grow up to become.

I've been needing to change a lot I feel... It's all the things I've always wanted to change in myself but never had the courage to do.

It's becoming more assertive when I'm more comfortable being passive... Because I want her to grow up with confidence and be able to achieve what she wants in life.

It's me being more social when my natural shyness just makes me want to sit quietly by myself.. Because I don't want her to be overlooked or feel awkward around others..

It means me controlling my temper and not yelling in front of her.... because I wouldn't want her acting/talking to me (or anyone) like that.

It's me reversing what took over 30 years for me to become and being someone better.

People always talk about providing the best tools in life for their children... the most important foundation starts at home.