Questions

How I Answer "Are You Pregnant Yet?" Questions From My Mama

 

Mama - Now, I don't want to bug you or stress you out.... but.. are you pregnant yet?  I can't wait for more Grandbabies!

 

Me - Ummm, no... not last time I checked.

 

Mama - Ok... well I know I ask a lot... but don't get stressed out.  Just don't worry about it... and then it'll happen!

 

Me - I know... It's ok.. but we did have sexual intercourse today so you never know.

 

Mama - Oh yuck!  You didn't have to tell me that.

 

Me - But you asked.

 

Mama - I didn't ask that.

 

Me - Well I don't know how you guys did it... but I'm pretty sure sexual intercourse is how you get pregnant.

 

Mama - (laughing) Ok fine!  I won't ask you about it anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Chips

The Mr. vs. Asian Food

Me - Hey Babe, do you want to try these shrimp flavored chips I got?

The Mr. - Sure... I'll try them. 

Seconds later...

The Mr. - Gross! Those taste like how shrimp would smell if you left it out for days.

He's always so descriptive in his exaggerations. *Munch*

Banana

Talking to my Mom on the phone about her Facebook "friends".

Mom - I was on Facebook and someone wrote something about his banana and eating it. I think there's some hidden message there.

Me - (silence)

Mom - What do you think he meant?

Me - (silence)

Mom - There is definitely a hidden message... I should delete him... but then that wouldn't be polite.

Me - (silence)

Mom - Maybe it was a joke? ... and people don't understand the joke because he has a different sense of humor.

Me - (silence)

Mom - Oh!  I saw that cute picture of my grandbaby that you put up over the weekend.  She's so sweet...

Like a child hiding under the bed... I sit quietly until the scary subject just goes away.

Seester Talk

*** WARNING: The following content is rated R and completely vulgar... Because that is how my Sister and I communicate with each other.***

My little Sister came to visit over the weekend for a little dose of "So This is What Life is Really Like When You Have Kids". 

After I walk into the room where the Chitlin and her are watching tv...

Me - How cute... You guys are watching Olivia.

Seester - Oh, it's called Olivia? ... I thought she (as in the Chitlin) was saying LABIA... Olivia is much better.

Driving alone together to the store...

Seester - So after you have a baby... Does everything go back to normal down there?

Me - I don't know... I'm too scared to look.. Probably looks like bad pastrami.

Seester - (pause)  Great... Now I don't want to eat that pastrami rueben I left in your fridge.

After watching the Chitlin so the Mr. and I could go on a date night...

Seester - She was jumping up and down and then puked all over me.

Me - That's nothing. There are times when I've been puked, pissed, and shit on all in the same day.

Seester - You REALLY make me not want to have kids.

Just doing my job bringing reality to the glamorous, cuddle bunny life of "having babies".