They Don't Call it "Upkeep" for Nothing

Some people think that once you're in a relationship all the "upkeep" ceases to exist.  All the time you spent waxing, plucking, exercising, etc. in order to attract the opposite sex becomes unnecessary.  Not true.  What you now have is a single person dedicated in pointing these things out.

Disclaimer:  All sarcastic remarks are meant out of love.


The Mr. is driving as I sit in the passenger seat staring at him adoringly...

Me - .....I can see your nose hairs from here.

The Mr. - What? (Desperately covers his nose)


As I'm sitting in the kitchen in a tank  top and shorts...

The Mr. - Hey Granola - when are you getting waxed?

Me - I'm going this weekend and it's not even that bad.

The Mr. - Ya... if you're a hippie


Sitting on the couch watching TV together...

Me - Back hair is so gross.

The Mr. - Yea.

Me - You should probably have yours waxed.


Cuddling in bed...

The Mr. - Stop rubbing your feet on me.  ....Your corns are scratching my skin.

Sarcastic Loving Honesty: Because the person you love shouldn't let you walk around hairy with corns on your feet.

They Don't Call Them "Evil" for Nothing

Kids' toys today are freaking evil.  Remember when toys consisted of wooden blocks, legos, and cabbage patch dolls?  Now things are singing, talking, and dancing... all by themselves!  Pure. Evil.

Why? 3 words: Torture. Mean. Creepy.

• Torture:  I get all the "noise" it makes is "educational"... but the fact that the Chitlin just likes to press buttons makes it repetitive... and annoying... and torture. (This is when Mommy reaches for the wine)
• Mean: the Chitlin used to have a jumparoo she would like to sit and jump up and down in. It would make music every time she jumped. She loved it. Then one day Mommy walked by and it made music... without the Chitlin in it... therefore calling her fat in its own way... MEAN
• Creepy:  Next time you're asleep and woken up in the middle of the night by a childlike voice singing, "Patty cake, patty cake, bakers man... PEEK A BOO - I SEE YOU", let me know if there's a different word that comes to mind besides creepy.... or scared. shitless.

Torture + Mean + Creepy = Evil

 

They Don't Call it "Pink Eye" for Nothing

My eye is red.  It's been a little irritated all weekend.  Today it's SUPER irritated.  I think it's from my contacts. I would take them out... but "someone" (the Chitlin) ...broke my glasses.  Co-Worker Bestie thinks it's pink eye. 

Where: My cubicle
Who: Co-worker Bestie and Me
When: End of the work day

Me -  My eye is red.

Co-Worker Bestie -  Dude!  It's pink eye.

Me -   It's not pink eye.

Co-Worker Bestie -  Ok... But when you wake up tomorrow with a swollen itchy oozing eyeball... you'll believe me.

Me -  Thanks Doctor...

Co-Worker Bestie -  ...You should probably stop farting on your pillows.

Ummmm... I may or may not take this advice... it all depends on how I wake up in the morning.

He Didn't Say "Worst Decision Ever" for Nothing

The Mr. has declared the moment I purchased Fancy Phone, "The Worst Decision Ever Made".  Why?  ... because I've become one of those people ALWAYS on it. 

When: New Years Eve
Where: the Beach
Time: Sunset
What: I am taking 5 pictures per minute on Fancy Phone

The Mr. - Stop. It.

Me - Why?

The Mr. - Because you're always on that phone!

Me - But I'm taking pictures!?

The Mr. - That phone was the worst decision ever made.

Hmmm... I'm pretty sure it's not the WORST decision... there WAS that time I burned our comforter in the washing machine, the time I gave up meat only to end it all for a cheap fast food burger craving, the stage when I thought I was Avril Lavigne and wore a t shirt and tie EVERY day, etc...

Anyhoo - here's some pictures of the weekend from Fancy Phone (aka - Worst Decision Ever).

HAPPY NEW YEAR!